Breakups never really come at a “good time”, but end things diagnosis in the middle of cancer might just take the cake. Some quick statistics: women are six times more likely to end up separated or divorced if diagnosed with cancer (compared to male partners). Another paper by studying 2,701 different marriages, only measures of a wife’s onset of illness were found to be associated with a higher risk of divorce. These numbers indicate a worrying trend: when women need their partner the most, cracks begin to form.
Specifically for cancer survivors, patients are tasked with fighting both an incredibly physical battle and an emotional battle. The grief is twofold and the healing process often feels extra heavy. Getting through a breakup in the middle of treatment is no small feat – but it’s not impossible either. To highlight the hardest parts, the silver linings and the lessons learned, we spoke to three survivors who have gone through a cancer break-out themselves.
The breakups
Three months before Margaret Ryans breakup, doctors feared her breast cancer had spread to her brain and spinal cord. Thankfully, this turned out to be false. But it was at this point that Ryan’s partner began to express concern about the “longevity” of their relationship. “He wanted to get married, have kids, move to the suburbs and felt that me having stage 4 breast cancer was preventing him from doing that,” Ryan tells Popsugar. “Simply put, he broke up with me because I have stage 4 breast cancer.”
“Being cheated on was so much more painful than cancer.”
This sudden change is something Emilee Aubrey can relate to. Shortly after receiving a bone marrow transplant for leukemia in October 2021, she caught her boyfriend messaging one of her close friends, offering to come over and even requesting explicit photos. “Being cheated on was so much more painful than cancer,” says Aubrey. “I would never even think of doing that to someone.”
Zee Valentina describes her breakup as a more mutual decision, but it wasn’t easy either. She broke up with her partner of 11 years just a month after being diagnosed with stage 4 Hodgkin’s lymphoma. “When I was going through chemotherapy at the same time, I really couldn’t handle any extra stress,” she says. “I had to quickly accept it for what it was, because I had a (bigger) fight to focus on, which was my fight against my body.”
The immediate aftermath
At first, the pain and betrayal of these cancer breakouts left each woman with unanswered questions. “How could someone who told me they loved me unconditionally put conditions on our love?” Ryan found himself asking. “Didn’t he think I wanted the same things in life too? Didn’t he think this was hard for me — the one going through breast cancer?” Valentina says the heartbreak mostly left her empty and numb. “(With) all of my medical issues happening in parallel, I felt like I really hit rock bottom.”
A week after the breakup, Aubrey visited a palliative care physician. “I was just a wreck. He was like, ‘We should discuss getting anti-depressants,’ because I was just so upset and hurt.” It’s not like she was completely without support – her friends and family were still there for her. It just felt different now. “It wasn’t the same as having conversations every second with someone who cared … or I thought cared,” Aubrey explains. “I was literally (at) the lowest point of my entire life.”
The healing process
The grief after a cancer diagnosis can feel overwhelming, especially in the early stages. But these survivors will be the first to tell you that healing is possible. In fact, Valentina believes that being forced to sit with her grief may have helped in the long run. “It’s a really tough situation to be in, (because) on top of all the medical issues going on at the same time, you can’t distract yourself a lot,” she says. “We are forced to face everything at once.”
For Aubrey, antidepressants played a big role in helping her process the stress of her breakup and cancer journey. “At the time, I thought I still had cancer,” she says. “Finding out I was in remission was a big turning point.” Still, she says that healing emotionally was harder than healing physically, and that working through both at the same time was difficult and uncomfortable.
“The breakup really made me realize my self-worth.”
Ryan agrees that her breakup from cancer felt “cruel and unfair.” But as she continued to heal, she also began to learn from it. “If someone isn’t going to stick by you at your lowest points in life, they really don’t deserve you at any other time,” Ryan says. “I think the breakup really made me realize my self-worth and what I deserve.”
The reflection
After the breakup, Aubrey recalls her friends assuring her that things would “get better” eventually. “The moment I (was) like, ‘I want to kill you,'” she laughs. “But you know, it does.” The people are right. It gets easier.” That said, Ryan reminds people that no matter how much the breakup hurts, your health should always come first. “You and your health are (the) number one priority. Anyone who isn’t there to support and make it a priority isn’t worthy of your love,” she says.
To those navigating similar situations, Valentina says that you should mourn the future you thought you would have. Healing is not linear and it is OK to have mixed feelings. “If someone can’t accept you for all of you — including your history with cancer or your cancer journey — they’re not for you,” she says. “Going through cancer and a breakup at the same time takes a steely amount of strength, and you’re going to have to dig deeper than you ever have to get through. But you will.”
Chandler Plante (she/her) is a social producer and staff writer for the Health & Fitness team at Popsugar. She has over five years of industry experience, previously working as an editorial assistant for People magazine, social media manager for Millie magazine and contributor for Bustle Digital Group. She holds a degree in magazine journalism from Syracuse University and is based in Los Angeles.
