When The Supreme Court overturned Roe v. Wadeaccess to abortion became a major talking point for people across the United States. And when it did, some couples realized that they do not share the same political views whether abortion should be legal or not.
While it’s normal to disagree with your partner about things like pizza toppings and whether or not “The Office” is the best show of all time, when it comes to differences in core values and beliefs—like LGBTQ+ rightsaccess to abortion, religion or anything else you may hold dear – differing opinions can make the relationship extremely difficult to navigate.
Fortunately, whether you’re pro-choice or anti-choice, if your partner has a completely different opinion than you on the matter, it doesn’t necessarily mean your relationship is doomed. But that means you should have a conversation.
Whether you’ve discovered that your partner is strongly anti-abortion access, vehemently pro-abortion access, or somewhere in between, we spoke with two couples therapists about how to navigate this issue and discuss what might be a relationship deal breaker.
While their advice is helpful and can be applied to your relationship in any context, know that working through these differences may require some extra support through personal couples therapy or counseling. (You can find more information on how couples therapy can help here.)
As a starting point, though, here’s their advice on how to navigate these differences and have respectful conversations. Although your relationship is not necessarily doomed, in some cases it may be justified to disagree on this issue resolution.
Experts featured in this article
Aaron Lurie’s people is a marriage and family therapist at Take Root Therapy.
Julie LandryPsyD, is a licensed clinical psychologist and founder of Halcyon Therapy Group.
How to Talk About Access to Abortion with Your Partner
While sharing core values with your partner is critical to a successful relationship, managing disagreements is not impossible. In fact, marriage therapist Saba Harouni Lurie says that while it can be challenging to learn that your partner doesn’t feel the same way you do about access to abortion, “if you approach this situation with openness, respect and curiosity can you find a way to navigate the situation.”
That said, Lurie suggests that before engaging in a conversation, you should be honest with yourself about what your boundaries are and what beliefs you can or cannot accept in a romantic relationship. Would you be okay with your partner supporting a politician who is actively anti-choice? Would you be okay if your partner doesn’t participate in protests with you? Would you be okay if your partner signed up to be a pro-abortion carer?
These are all things to consider and consider before your call. Once you’ve thought about it or written down your boundaries to reinforce them (and really to hold yourself accountable), you should enter the conversation “striving to understand each other’s perspective,” says psychologist Julie Landry, PsyD.
In other words, don’t think that ignoring the problem is the solution. While some people may think it’s better to just avoid conversations around abortion access because it’s considered a sensitive topic, Dr. Landry that “having thoughtful conversations and discussing your feelings” can build intimacy and provide a better sense of understanding of the relationship.
To do this, start by making sure you and your partner are properly educated on the subject. Send them fact-checked information, studies, and articles that you want to share with them before the conversation so that when you sit down and talk, you both have the same facts about abortion. If you are concerned that your partner is basing their opinion on false or inaccurate information, it is important to discuss that as well.
Make sure you don’t enter the conversation hoping to change their mind. The end goal is to listen and acknowledge each other’s points of view, which is “more important than changing your partner’s opinion or winning a disagreement,” says Dr. Landry.
Because these conversations will depend heavily on each of your views on abortion access, we can’t tell you exactly what needs to be discussed. It really depends on what the basis of your disagreement is. You may find it beneficial to discuss the moral and political implications of losing or having access to abortion, how this decision will specifically affect your sex life with your partner (ie if you are now considering birth control), and how involved you would be . like to be with the anti- or pro-choice movements through protesting, donating, social media engagement, etc.
When communicating these questions, focus on “I” statements. This will help you avoid making assumptions about what your partner is thinking, adds Dr. Landry. And, of course, make a conscious effort to take turns sharing your thoughts. Practice healthy communication skills by not interrupting your partner or silencing them when you disagree.
But most importantly, be careful with your partner gas-lightmentions or dismisses your concerns altogether, because “those are signs that the conversation is not productive and that there is an inherent lack of respect,” says Lurie. (This should go without saying, but you should also refrain from gaslighting, calling out, and/or dismissing your partner’s concerns.)
Know that you and your partner are unlikely to solve the problem or understand each other in conversation. But after many conversations and several back and forths, if it is still an issue, the difference of opinion may be too great to overcome.
At what point does it become a dealbreaker?
This will vary depending on your specific relationship, but a lot of it depends on the boundaries you set before having a conversation with your partner. For example, if you decided it would be a dealbreaker if your partner continued to vote for elected officials who support the caucus and your partner continues to support those candidates, it may be time to consider a breakup.
Dr. Landry also adds that it may be time to break up if you “consider a fair balance of power essential to a healthy relationship, and see the loss of reproductive rights as a loss of equality,” all while your partner does not. In another example, Lurie says, “it would be very challenging to maintain a relationship with someone who thinks their partner’s right to self-determination should be limited in some way.”
That said, it doesn’t have to be so definitively black and white. For those couples who appreciate the nuances of their partner’s opinion, “they may be better positioned to try to maintain the relationship,” Lurie says.
Ultimately, “if you can’t come to an agreement that aligns with each of your values,” it may signal that it’s time to quit, says Dr. Landry. “Staying in the relationship can create resentment, and despite a painful breakup, a partnership with someone who shares the same values is likely to be more successful.”
If you want more personalized information about whether or not you should consider breaking up with your partner, consider speaking with a licensed professional who can help you with your individual needs.
What do I do if my partner doesn’t care about access to abortion as much as I do?
You should consider having a conversation with your partner about what the overturning of Roe v. Wade means to you and why it means so much to you. “Communication is important to ensure that you both create a safe and supportive environment for each of you,” says Dr. Landry.
It is also possible that your partner does not feel directly affected by the judgment. “If your partner doesn’t seem interested in or doesn’t care about access to abortion, and it’s related to their privilege, try to engage them in a conversation where they can really hear your perspective. If they’re not open to better understanding your views, or if they are not interested in setting aside their privilege to approach you with respect and compassion, it may be time to reevaluate the relationship.”
Bottom line: it’s up to you to decide what kind of relationship you want and what makes you happy. If you will harbor resentment and dislike for your partner for disagreeing with you or not being as actively involved as you in the judgment, it may be time to consider a new partner.
