“Couples skin care” is currently trending on TikTok, where the hashtag is awash with radiant couples over his and her sinks, often accompanied by matching headbands, aesthetic products and barely a blemish in sight. For those with chronic skin conditionsskincare also plays a role in our relationships, but arguably a much less cookie-cutter one. Navigate a chronic skin condition such as vitiligo, eczema, acne, psoriasisor rosacea can affect daily life and as a result significantly affect relationship dynamics.
i am one psoriasis patient with acne prone skin, married to a man who has dealt with acne for over ten years. My husband and I have had endless conversations about skin and discomfort and supported each other through the ups and downs of life with a chronic skin condition. But chronic skin conditions can cause real (or imagined) strain in many relationships where only one party suffers.
Expert presented in this article
Alia AhmedMD, is a consultant dermatologist based in the UK and expert in psychodermatology.
Skin conditions can put pressure on both partners in the relationship
“Skin conditions can put all kinds of pressure on relationships,” says dermatologist Alia Ahmed, MD. “People with them can often feel embarrassed or guilty about the way their skin looks and therefore avoid physical or intimate contact. They can also experience physical symptoms such as pain, itching or bleeding, which can be very difficult for both the sufferer and their loved ones a.” I can definitely relate to this feeling, even though my partner also has a skin condition.
Before we got together, my husband was unfamiliar with psoriasis, and despite his constant support, I can’t help but feel like a burden when my skin flares up. Once we left the house only to have the psoriasis on my feet become so inflamed from my shoes that we had to come home early. We didn’t leave the house for the rest of the weekend as I struggled to walk. I felt upset, embarrassed and deeply frustrated, as if I was preventing us both from a day out. But with this support, I have continued to work on my self-esteem over the past few years. I feel grateful that I have someone who cares about me deeply enough to sacrifice time to help me cope with my condition.
Compromise and compassion are key
Those without skin conditions may be surprised by their extent and the sacrifices required in relationships because of them. Skin conditions can determine everything from where you live to your travel plans. For Kate Pasola, who has rosacea and has been with his girlfriend for five years, taking a vacation was something that scared her in the earlier days of their relationship. Rosacea is triggered by time in the sun, and Kate was worried about exposing it all on a beach holiday. From a comprehensive skin care routine to the post-beach flare-ups, it was the first time her girlfriend, Mathilde Lopes, saw the true extent of Pasola’s rosacea. In fact, Pasola had left bed in the morning to apply subtle makeup and mask the blush several times before.
According to Dr. Ahmed, people with chronic skin care conditions need to change their lifestyle, and in many cases, loved ones can follow the same choices. Compromises look different for every couple, and for Pasola and Lopes it means a strong sunscreen on the beach, generously applied sunscreen and sometimes forgoing another dip in the sea. While these may seem like small changes, they can make a world of difference to someone with a chronic skin condition.
“I hear from my patients that they have avoided being in a relationship or getting out of one because they are worried about the effect their skin condition will have on their partner,” says Dr. Ahmed. But leaning into a relationship is something that Pasola has personally found great comfort in. “It’s incredibly healing to be with someone who has shown me love and appreciation through the ups and downs of my skin,” she says.
For Alice Watson*, a 28-year-old who has recently bought a home with her boyfriend, Liam Green*, his difficult eczema played a role in where they chose to engage as first-time buyers. Triggered by dust and pollution, the couple were keen to look for a new build outside the city, choosing a development where they would be the first to live in the home.
“Older houses collect dust easily, especially where there have been years of tenants and carpeting—we stayed away from anywhere with high-reaching, hard-to-clean areas or corners that would collect dust.” For Watson, the hardest thing about being with someone who has a chronic skin condition is seeing their suffering and feeling helpless, but she believes it has helped bring them closer.
Support takes many different forms
“Liam is always extremely apologetic about any changes I have to make because of his skin, but I find that so much of how I show love is in affection through care,” says Watson. Supporting Green by applying his cream, listening to his experiences and helping him explore possible solutions means the skin condition brings them closer rather than coming between them. “I feel a lot of empathy for him, because any frustration I might feel on his behalf, he will feel tenfold.” As Watson also has one chronic autoimmune disease, she knows how crucial a partner’s support is and thinks they both work together to help each other through flare-ups.
Pasola’s girlfriend has also supported her through research: “She’s taken the time to learn what ingredients I can and can’t use, and often treats me to face masks to soothe my face – she’ll wear one too, and we’ll a date of it.” Dr. Ahmed recommends education as a way to support someone struggling with a physically visible skin condition. “Lots of information are available online, including support groups and patient forums. You can also ask if you’re welcome to join them at their next doctor’s appointment, which can provide the chance to encourage your partner to discuss any difficulties and ask questions to better understand their situation.” She urges above all to be open and responsive.
“People have good days and bad days, and sometimes your partner may not want to engage in conversation about their skin, which doesn’t reflect on you,” says Dr. Ahmed. “Respecting the wishes of people with skin conditions and giving them space to open up is very important and helps build trust.”
Zara Khan*, who is married and the mother of two young boys, experienced lichen planus and vitiligo earlier in her marriage and found comfort in not feeling that her husband or sons saw the condition as comprehensively as she did. “My husband was concerned about lichen planus, as neither of us knew what it was, and was worried about the speed at which it was spreading, but other than that it didn’t affect him, which made me feel more accepting.”
Compromise, empathy, and kindness are key to the success of any relationship, and those involving skin care relationships are no different. For those who experience them and feel like they’re a burden on their loved ones, rest assured that all the couples we spoke to didn’t feel burdened by the skin condition — or feel that the strength of their relationship was compromised by it. At the same time, you have every right to feel the way you do. “There is evidence that the severity of the skin condition does not dictate the psychological impact, so even clinically ‘mild’ conditions can have a huge impact on an individual,” says Dr Ahmed.
Your feelings and experiences are so valid. And for those supporting a loved one, lower yourself a little. You are probably doing so much more than they expect you to and much better than you think.
— Pseudonyms have been used.
Sidra Imtiaz is a freelance British Pakistani Muslim beauty writer and PR expert based in London, but often in the US. She has written for Refinery29, Glamour, InStyle, Bustle, Who What Wear and PS.
